Wanting What You Can’t (Or Shouldn’t) Have – What is the Attraction of Dating a Married Man?



So what is the fascination some women have with married men? Is it the thrill of the chase? The aspect of danger? The common issue of wanting what you can’t (or shouldn’t) have? Surprisingly, for women who are willing to own up to going after someone else’s husband, the allure goes well beyond all of this.

At times, some women want what they can’t or really shouldn’t have – i.e., other women’s husbands. Several reasons seem to exist for the reasoning behind why these women decide to chase after married men. This article explores the attraction of why some women enjoy dating or trying to date married men. Dating experts Dr. Gilda Carle and Toni Coleman, LCSW weigh in on the possibilities.

Lack of Commitment
For many women, the lack of commitment involved in a typical affair is an alluring draw. For those women who don’t dream of their weddings and the typical married life scenarios, an affair with a married man can seem like an exciting and low key alternative.

“They don’t want a serious relationship or a commitment (Yes, there ARE some women who don’t want to be tied down…),” says Dr. Gilda Carle, who has written books and articles on cheating with married partners.

“He is safe,” adds Toni Coleman, licensed psychotherapist and certified dating coach. “By this, I mean that she does not have to be concerned about him pressuring her for a commitment, if this is something she has an issue with. She has more control – limited time together; she is the fun person (not the one in the fox hole with him), etc.”

Chasing after Authority or Celebrity
Sometimes an age difference can be a compelling attraction, not to mention the appeal of someone with a different social status or employment status. Chasing after a married man with a higher status makes it difficult to determine where the attraction actually lies.

“He is someone who is older or in a position of authority (boss?), but is married,” Coleman poses. “She is attracted to his status, power, connections, etc. His being married – is that really the attraction? – but she doesn’t let it get in her way.”

Exciting, Secretive, and Taboo
A number of women who pursue married men do so partly for the thrill of the chase and the exciting notion that they simply cannot afford to get caught. They end up living a double life where even their closest friends and confidantes may not know the extent of their romantic involvement with a married man or men.

Despite the fact of how women could be hurting the families of these married men, the excitement, thrills, and chills tend to take the logic and empathy out of the situation.

Lavish Gifts and Luxurious Vacations
Some women simply like to be pampered and treated like a goddess. In affairs, many times they enjoy the spoils that the married men really should be offering to their wives. Women who chase after married men may become accustomed to this luxurious lifestyle over time, which can cause them to seek out more married men rather than singles.

“As the other woman, she will have a greater chance of being catered to, getting the trips and being showered with gifts,” Coleman says. “What she won’t have to deal with is an equal partnership- as she would with a guy who is available and who wants to build something together.”

“The attraction can be potent because these women will be wined and dined, and treated like queens for the short time they are with their man, without real and ugly world intervening in their fantasy,” Carle adds. “These relationships are as superficial as the fairy tales with which we have been raised.”

Revenge is Best Served Cold
It is possible that a woman will go after a married man in order to get back at someone they dated or to get back at people in general. Emotions can be especially powerful and often fuel people into doing things they may not ordinarily do.

“They are raging over a breakup from their ex who cheated on them, and they, usually unconsciously, want to get revenge on men, women, or both,” Dr. Gilda Carle suggests.

Filling a Gap in Life
Another possibility is that the woman may be chasing after a married man in order to fill a gap in her life. This may be the case for those women who come from broken homes or those who had been raised by a single mother.

“She is looking for a guy who can be the father she did not have, or had an impaired relationship with,” Coleman suggests.

About the Experts:
Dr. Gilda Carle is an internationally-known psychotherapist, relationship expert, and management consultant.  She is Match.com’s “Ask Dr. Gilda” advice columnist published on MSN.com. For more information, visit www.DrGilda.com online.

Toni Coleman, LCSW, CMC, is a licensed psychotherapist, certified mentor coach, and internationally recognized dating and relationship expert and founder of Consum-mate.com. For more information, visit online at http://consum-mate.com.


Editor’s Note: Life Love Beauty does not condone or encourage affairs or cheating in relationships. The opinions are those of the experts and this article is meant for information purposes only.

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