If you wonder what kind of woman goes after another woman’s husband, you are not alone. Why is it that some women are attracted to married men while others strictly only go after men who are single and fully available? It seems women who pursue married men may have a different mentality when it comes to love and relationships. These women may not want all the same life goals and dreams as women who long to be married with two kids and a dog and the white picket fence.
So what kind of women go after married men, and why? It may surprise you, but all romantic involvements aside, you may not know these women who pursue married men from your own friends and acquaintances. They may have the same interests as you, they may be involved in the same activities, clubs, or sports teams. Women who go after married men may not act or look any different at all from those who steer clear of other women’s men. Surprised? Don’t be. The difference typically tends to be in the way these women think and react emotionally.
Words of Reasoning from a Real-Life Woman Who’s Dated Married Men
As for the why, it seems that several reasons exist behind these women’s decisions to pursue other women’s husbands. An anonymous woman shares that she has engaged in romantic relationships with three married men, but keeps her love life completely private from her friends, family, and social circles.
“I do not consider myself a ‘home wrecker’ or even ‘the other woman,’ though those are the common names for women like me,” she says. “There is an allure to dating a married man. For starters, he is unavailable. Women always want what they can’t have, and married men are about as off-the-market as you can get. (Besides gay men, of course, but that gets tricky.) There is more of a chase aspect with trying to date a married man than there is with trying to date a single guy.
“More importantly, even when you are dating the married man, you’re still not entirely with him. There is still some effort involved. Your actions together are also considered taboo – so there is a thrill in knowing you are being secretive and cannot get caught.”
The anonymous woman adds, “Unlike some women who date married men, my biggest fear is if they ever say they want to leave their wife. Part of the reason I date married men is because there is a lack of commitment. I’m not looking to get married, and he already is, so the relationship stays in that ‘fun’ phase and doesn’t get serious. If it starts getting serious, that’s when I split.”
The Psychology behind Women Who Only Date Married Men
According to some therapists and psychologists, some women target married men for their dating relationships on a regular basis. One therapist was kind enough to share some of the psychology behind why these women go after only married men.
“I have been a family therapist for over thirty years and have seen many women who have chosen to date and to have relationships with only married men,” says family therapist and author Carleton Kendrick Ed.M., LCSW. “I cannot and would not generalize about why all such women make such a choice. That said, in my professional, anecdotal experience, however, I will quote the words of one such client of mine that addresses an essential reason behind these women’s choices of dating and having affairs with only married men:
‘When I’m with a married man, I experience his intense desire for me and the excitement and thrills of a secret, romantic relationship while never having to deal with all the downsides, drudgery, boredom and responsibilities of being in a marriage with him that his wife has to suffer. I get expensive getaways and gifts and she gets to do his laundry.’”
Commonalities and Differences between Women Who Pursue Married Men and Husbands Who Cheat
It seems that some women and men are almost programmed in a way to never cheat on their spouse or significant other, while others may stray from their partners despite the bond of marriage. Some women pursue married men on purpose while others may simply feel a romantic attraction to the person in general. So, when it all comes down to it, what are the similarities and differences of married men who cheat and the women who pursue them?
Paul A. Falzone: I think men tend to have more of a wandering eye by nature. But it’s the women who specifically are drawn by more than just a wandering eye. Perhaps it’s the excitement or the taboo of pursuing a married man. But really, if you need that type of excitement in your life, take up skydiving — it’s much safer.
Scott Haltzman, MD: Sexual desires are natural, as are the desires to be loved and cared for. Therefore, I may guess that it is intrinsic in human nature of seek out heterosexual contacts that will provide for these basic needs. What makes humans exceptional is their capacity to suppress their animal desires, and to reach for some higher level of functioning to be able to sustain some form of society and community. Individuals who have affairs often have difficulties in suppressing some of these urges, either by believing that they are exempt from societal norms because they’re so special or their situation is so unique, believing that somehow their ability to keep their commitments to their wives or themselves is outside of their control, or they simply don’t have the mental pools to be able to resist impulses. Rationalization is a defense mechanism, which allows people to do things that they know are wrong. Men tend to rationalize that because their needs are not being met at home, they are justified to have an affair. Women that will have affairs with men will also justify their behavior by saying that these men deserve better, and that they are helping the situation out by having an affair.
About the Experts:
Paul A. Falzone is the CEO of The Right One and Together Dating which boasts more than 60 locations and is growing. Under his leadership, the Company ranked 31st in the 2007 Boston Business Journal’s “Fastest Growing Private Companies in Massachusetts” and was named to Inc Magazine’s list of Fastest Growing Private Companies in America with a three-year growth rate of 133 percent. For more information, you can visit http://www.therightone.com.
Carleton Kendrick Ed.M., LCSW is a family therapist and author of “Take Out Your Nose Ring, Honey, We’re Going to Grandma’s.” He received his undergraduate and graduate degrees from Harvard University and he is a licensed psychotherapist, noted national speaker, social commentator and author.
Editor’s Note: Life Love Beauty does not condone or encourage affairs or cheating in relationships. The opinions are those of the experts and this article is meant for information purposes only.